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Sunday, August 18th, 2013
10:30 pm - It isn't often
It isn't often that I feel the need to come here but I am having a shitty night (after what I thought was an awesome weekend) and I feel really fucking lost. Listening to Cat Power and feeling like a dumb teenager. I had a dream that people I cared about died. First it was one, then another.

Being an adult is hard, seriously some days it is so fucking trying.

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Sunday, April 14th, 2013
10:58 pm - i know you're here
I guess I only come here when I'm desperate. I can't stop crying, it's always the same thing. I miss my mom. Why am I not there? People keep dying and despite my best efforts I can't fucking freeze time. My guts hurt.

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Wednesday, October 19th, 2011
12:02 pm
I don't know if anyone posts here or reads this anymore. I need to start writing again soon. For my own sanity. I have been feeling depressed and weepy almost constantly the last few days. About my past abuse. People I know dying. The mortality of myself and my children and all the people I love. All of the sudden I feel so overwhelmed and inequipped to deal with even the day to day responsibilities. This isn't me.

How can I see more than just one entry in my friends page? Or is there only just one entry?

current mood: sad

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Saturday, February 5th, 2011
2:40 pm
38 weeks tomorrow, i'm so glad to have gone full term. Now he can come out. As soon as we agree on a name.

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Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
9:24 pm - In great detail
Your beliefs, in great detail.

I am an atheist. As children we said our prayers every night, but rarely spoke about religion. We were told we were Jewish (my dad's side), we went to temple on holidays (maybe) for my grandmother's sake. I have a few early memories of playing with other kids at the temple day care, of the songs, my grandma's singing. I love the way the rabbi would sing talk. I never learned hebrew beyond the basic prayers. My mom wanted us to be exposed to church too, we went to a methodist church a handful of times. When I was about 5 or 6, my brother had a mega tantrum at sunday school because he didn't want to cut out a picture of Jesus. I felt so secretly proud of him, I didn't care much for Jesus.

I didn't really give god much thought, but I did believe in him when I was a kid. I figured heaven was a nice place where my dead pets and my papa (grandfather) lived, and maybe the care bears too. I definitely prayed. In high school I was surrounded my evalangical christians. For some reason in our town, it seemed like all of the freaks and weirdos had some kind of religion, and they were really into it. I was constantly asked, cajoled, encouraged to read the bible (I did), accept jesus as my personal savior (no thank you) or go to tent revivals (did this once, I felt like I was in a fucking movie). I tried so hard to make it mean something to me. I was jealous of how sure everyone else seemed to be, because in the end it just seemed like a bunch of bullshit to me. Eventually I accepted that I didn't believe any of it, that the concept of God was comforting but not something I actually really thought was real. It took me a long time to be ok with that. It was particularly difficult when my grandmother was dying. I wanted so bad to think of her in heaven with papa. I still do. I struggle with what to tell my kid. The other day Yael asked me what angels were, and I told her they were like fairies, but they lived in the sky and were pretend. I didn't even think about it but I felt bad afterward. I feel like I am ruining something for her?

She is coming to terms with the concept of death that is just brutal and painful for me some days. Her toy dinosaurs are constantly dying, being hit by meteors or eaten or at least losing their parents in tragic T-rex attacks. I wish I could say something reassuring to her, but honestly the thought of death is probably just as confusing and scary for me as it his for her. Oh hey, now I'm crying.

I guess that is enough detail for now. I miss writing. I miss me. I seem to have been replaced with tired, robot me.

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Sunday, December 12th, 2010
10:31 pm
I am 30 weeks pregnant today, never thought I would get this far. I am huge and it's making me grumpy and we have nothing for the baby (we sold everything big in the move last year)and no money, but I am trying not to sweat it. Babies don't need much, right? He does, however, need a name. Haven't figured that one out yet.

Every day, when I am not speaking or working or actively engaging my child, I think of what to write in my head. Stories, diary entries, letters to my mother. I am angry at myself for not actually writing this stuff down. When did this become so unimportant to me? Life is passing me by and I am going to forget it all, I just know it.

Today we went to the Christmas parade. I have never seen Yael's eyes so big with happiness, she LOVED it. The first several floats were just huge advertisements and grown adults were pushing each other out of the way trying to get free crap....it kind of ruined the mood for Francois and I, but we eventually got back into the festive spirit because our child was just so damn...happy. Her excitement about holidays and school and curiosity about everything in the world is so inspiring. When she is not filing my heart with pride and hope for the future she is probably on the floor screaming her lungs out of some trivial upset, but that's beside the point.

current mood: optimistic

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Tuesday, October 5th, 2010
9:37 pm - Hey
Suggest a topic and maybe I'll write something? I'm still on modified bedrest so I am either working form home or at work, I don't go anywhere or do anything and on good days i'm going only midly crazy inside. I wish i had a friend to come visit me and bring me pastries and good conversation.

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Wednesday, August 25th, 2010
12:00 pm - bedrest
Every day I feel more pregnant. I am starting to look the part, i still feel like I'm going to vomit constantly. Today I am feeling very sorry for myself. I haven't been out of the house besides Dr. appointments for almost a month. Instead of reaching on to people, writing or doing anything for support I've withdrawn, and don't really speak to anyone outside of my household.

I hope this little guy makes it. If he doesn't, I don't know what I'll do.

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Sunday, July 4th, 2010
11:50 pm
Glad to see folks checking in. I miss the kind of interaction that comes with having friends, even internet ones.

Today we went to a pool in the countryside, as there isn't a single outdoor pool in Brussels. It was in a forest reserve type thing, and we all had a good time. I got to swim a bit on my own, as did Francois, and I realized how much I miss it. I am a strong swimmer (if you know me you know that I grew up swimming competitively, in a swimming family) and I always feel great in the water, tough. Yael is still afraid of deep water, but we will work on that. I really hope that I can go, on my own or with her, to the neighborhood indoor pool from time to time.

Yael is getting more and more precocious. She is obviously very smart, loves coloring and talking about animals and actually talking in general. She is bright enough to worry me, she is very small (at 2/12 months we just bought her pants sized 18 months) and many of her playground encounters involve the words "baby!, you're too small, we're big kids" etc. I always feel the urge to protect her from that, but I know I just have to let it happen. Both Francois and I are very involved parents, and my only fear is that we will follow her around too much, not give her enough freedom. I often feel like hanging back but then I feel like the working parent, unengaged with her child. I am terrified of that stereotype and obviously a bit defensive about it. Anyway, she starts school in September. They start early here, and I hope it is good for her.

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Thursday, May 27th, 2010
10:16 pm - a tres bientot
I go to Paris morning for work. I guess it makes me feel special and cool to go on trips, meet people, impress them or whatever. It feels fake, I can't believe people believe me in this role. Tomorrow I am meeting people I talk to every day on the phone, and I want so badly to be myself. I do what I have to, the best I know how. Eventually I will probably be a manager, and be able to properly support my family.

I miss my dulcimer, a lot. I am thinking about dragging out the old, cracked one....i need to do something. i am antsy, i don't have friends anymore.

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Wednesday, April 21st, 2010
11:08 pm
I have so much I feel like talking about, but every time I sit down, nothing comes out. I like it here in Brussels, as much as I get to see. It doesn't seems like home yet, but it seems like we have been here forever, I barely remember my old life.

I love not having a car. I find it super freeing, as much of a pain in the ass it is (especially with a kid). I love the park down the street, and all the different languages I hear on the subway in the morning.

Yael and Francois are at his parents place in France. I miss them like crazy, but we couldn't afford my train ticket or the time off work. I am trying to enjoy myself, do things I don't have time to do in my normal everyday life. I wish i was in alsace stuffing myself silly, doing lost of nothing with my family and going to bed early. Work is insane. I really really like my job but it is too much. I don't want to talk about that.

I will leave you with this picture of my darling child, being as darling as ever in the park:

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Monday, March 15th, 2010
1:15 pm
I think my family and friends feel like I have forgotten them because I am not on Facebook 24-7. I keep repeating the fact that I don't have free time at work and no real internet at home. This should change in the next few days, and then a home phone. I can't wait to be able to just pick up the phone like a normal person and call my mom. soon soon.

My birthday is in two days. I don't know if it is the current pace of my life or what, but I feel even older than 32. I need a break. Bad. I am bummed that we can't go to Francois' parents place for easter, it is just way to expensive. The two of them will probably go later in the month, my ticket is just beyond our budget. Booh hiss.

In happy news, my kid is the smartest, cutest funniest thing on the planet and her cheeriness is a major pick-me-up when things seem really down. I know it is cheesy, but she is totally my ray of sunshine.

I asked for a camera for my birthday. If I get my way, there will be a lot more photos here very very soon.

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Saturday, February 27th, 2010
1:40 pm
I think I kinda like it here. The sun's out today. A couple of my co-workers are young, junior employees and eager to babysit my child. She has been sleeping IN HER OWN BED for a week and loves it. The food is good, the beer is even better and what i've seen of the city (not much) is charming. Feeling good today.

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Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
9:45 pm - on m'a demande
Remember me? We still haven't really settled in. Sleeping on fold out couches and waiting for our new bank cards to be ready. Our plan was to buy ikea beds and couple other big needed things, but Francois' bank card keeps getting declined left and right even though the money is there. Yael refuses to sleep every night, finally falling asleep around 10 and waking up at the crack of dawn. I am so so glad we made this move, i like my job and we have a lot more security and opportunity here. I know it will get better but I still want a good nights sleep on a comfortable bed dammit. I get home late and there is more work to do. I am starting to look my age. I guess i should get used to that. I dream of having a little camera to drag around with me. It's the daily life things I want to share with the people I miss. The waffles are amazing. Food is cheap. We drink la chouffe and leffe and trappistes rochefort like its going out of style. It's pretty cool here. But hey. I miss family and their voices. I'll try to figure out a way to call soon (note to self, buy phone).

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Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
10:53 pm - mudder
We survived our move, sold as much as we could, gave away much more and threw so much away that I have promised myself I will recycle like crazy and and never be wasteful again. It is crazy how one can accumulate so much CRAP. We arrived at our new apartment and our furniture (that had been stored at Francois' parents place since 2005) arrived just an hour later. Yael puked on herself just as we arrived, and yelled continuously "OH, PUKE!" in the most concerned way. She threw up again later, and then it was my turn to puke my guts out. Good times. I am just starting to feel better. Lots of crazy not so hilarious mishaps in between, but I don't feel like sharing all that I guess. Yael is refusing to sleep as I type this, its 11pm here in Belgium. We are currently sleeping on a couchbed in the living room, which makes matters worse because she can see us whatever we're doing, and it is always more interesting than sleeping. now she's singing?

I have a feeling I will like it here, but we need to smooth out some bumps here and there. I am trying to be calmer and nicer to Francois, really trying. We are both so defensive and critical and deprived of our own time, it makes for quick tempers and it bums me out. I wish this kid would go to sleep so we could frickin hang out.

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Friday, January 1st, 2010
9:25 pm - Wow
What a crappy year. Francois and I have talked this over many times so I don't feel like going into details, but moving back to Indiana was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. Car accident, losing health insurance, making too little money, rarely seeing friends or being able to do anything but worry about money. Whoops. There was a lot I hated about living chicago (mainly the freezing cold, high cost of living and oh my god the traffic) but this past year has been ridiculous.
So now I have an awesome new job in a country I have visited once. Not the first time I have done this. I am optimistic, because frankly it won't take much to make me happy. I just want to be able to pay my rent, take care of my family and make sure we can all go to the doctor when we are sick. I don't want to have a car (payment) anymore.

I am still worried about messing up my credit, I don't know why. I was dropped from my insurance for getting pregnant, and they have refused to pay for the medical expenses of my miscarriage ($1000 bucks). Both Francois and Yael have medical bills of several hundred dollars. If I can't sell my car for what I owe on it in the next week, I will have to turn it in as a "voluntary repossession" which goes on my credit report as a repossession and is about as damaging as bankruptcy. I really hope I don't have to move back to the U.S. anytime soon! I'm trying hard not to think of this stuff. I'll just keep paying who I can and hope for the best.

The icing on the cake, I have been having major heart palpitations for the last couple of days. I am sure it is my thyroid again, but I am trying to not die until we get to Belgium and I can go to the Dr. without fear of the bill. It's really freaking scary. When I lie on my side it usually goes away, at least until I sit up again.

I will try to make this my last bummer entry for awhile. We just have to get through the next few weeks, and everything will be ok.

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Thursday, December 10th, 2009
2:07 pm - Remember me?
So thanksgiving weekend was nice, but the spirit was completely ruined when we came home and saw that we had been robbed. They took our computers, all our instruments, tools, anything that wasn't nailed down. I had a premonition right before we left and I asked Francois to hide the laptop. It didn't change anything though, they still found it. That is all i will say on that subject now, though I am bursting at the seams with anger. Yael was very worried that they had stolen her toys, just about broke my heart.

I didn't sleep at all that night, as I kept imagining people breaking in. I left at 5am for my trip to Chicago, then off to Brussels. I had a huge layover in Dublin. I was so upset about everything that I just wanted to sulk and feel sorry for myself, but as soon as we landed I realized that 11 hours is a very LONG time with nothing to do. So I found the bus into Dublin and wandered around the city for a few hours. It was really nice and calming, and also freaking freezing. I found some shop called Penney's and bought some super cheap legwarmers. I was back at the airport by 1pm and my flight wasn't until 6. Remind me to not do the long layover thing again, unless I have a comfy bed stashed somewhere?

Brussels was nuts. Nonstop action, working intensely all day, then running around in the dark in an unfamiliar city visiting apartments. I barely ate for a couple of days. On Friday we had a big work feast to celebrate St. Nicolas/Sinterklass and I had to keep myself from eating everything on the table. I think I had three desserts. For a few days I stayed at a punk house (friends of a friend) which was freezing but cool because I had my own room and bath. Everyone was so damn nice to me, I couldn't stop thanking them. I drank some good beers, and on Saturday I went to a show where half of Strasbourg was in attendance as audience or performer. It was as if I had never left Europe only easier, because now i actually understand everything my friends are saying.

I found an apartment, in Etterbeek. As soon as I saw the neighborhood I knew I wanted to live there. Very bourgois but also convenient- train, tram, grocery, boulangerie, park, shops, everything within a 10 minute walk. I think Francois will be happy here. I will too.

So now I am working from home and its intense. I gotta get back to that, btw. I'll try to come up for air more often.


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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
3:01 pm
Can someone just come and buy all of our stuff so I don't have to deal with selling it? Time is moving so quickly and I don't have time to do my laundry let alone try and take pictures and post all our crap. SO NERVE WRACKING. I fly to Belgium next week for training. I have a place to stay the first thee days but not the last three. I have to find an apartment, I have to somehow come up with money for a deposit, I have a ten hour layover in Dublin, all this in a WEEK!!! And Thanksgiving! I think I am going to pack tonight because i will have zero time after tonight.

I hate moving so much. I better like brussels because i am never doing this again.

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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
10:31 pm

Can you believe how much she's grown? She's currently obsessed with drawing, a cartoon called l'ane trotro and salami. she loves photos and dancing and is a really funny and weird kid. I know I say this all the time but she never stops talking. I'm not kidding, i didn't know that kids this age talked so much!

I started to talk about work but I don't want to. stress sucks, whaddyaknow!

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Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
3:12 pm
I have given up looking for stuff to do. I have gone through my emails, my to-do list. I've revised our marketing letters and submitted them for review, I've cleaned my desk and wandered around the office. I went to CVS and bought chocolate milk and now I have a stomach ache. I miss my family when I'm gone all day at work, and it is extra difficult on the days like this.

Anyway. I could say more, but I am tired and I only write when i'm bummed these days and that's no fun. I miss my siblings a lot today, my parents too and I just want to hang with people I care about and not worry about money or the future or work or anything.

Almost daily francois sends me webcam shots of Yael. They are so freakin precious.

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